Phuket is a resort island in Thailand. It is an extremely vomiting place where gopniks from all over the world gather together.

So the island itself is nothing special. If you really want to, you can find a good place to live here. But why bother? You might as well settle in an American ghetto and pursue scientific activities.

Although the island’s capital city, Phuket Town, is quite decent; the main party scene takes place in Patong, which is simply the epitome of fuckery and moral decay.


There is simply nothing in Patong. The city’s center is Bangla Road, which attracts the dregs from all over the island day and night. A sign that reads “Welcome to Patong Beach” hangs at the entrance.

But you still have to walk along that very street to get to the beach. And here, round-the-clock, there is utter shitstorm, which only subsides in the morning when all the gopniks recover from their hangover in the hotels.

All along Bangla Road, stand filthy brothels, nightclubs, sports arenas, and fuckeries. Half of them exploit the image of Bengal tigers. Like, the street is called “Bangla.” The tigers are made of the cheapest possible paper-mache.

After the bars and brothels, the second most popular place in Patong is tattoo salons. Wasted gopniks get themselves tattoos for a bet there.

Marijuana has recently been legalized in Thailand. Now there are vending machines all over Patong that sell coffee with cannabis.

Cannabis is sold openly in Patong, in the form of coffee, cookies, cocktails, pills, and probably even as an enema. Signs advertise it as medical marijuana. I decided to buy one of these cocktails and try it.

Folks, no fucking way it’s medical!

This cocktail busted the fuck out of me so hard that I could barely crawl to the store for food. It messed me up all night until morning and then took me half a day to recover.

Look at the guy on the right. He walked around with a similar grin.

Massage is offered everywhere in Patong. It seems that a large portion of these massages end with oral sex, but you can also just have your feet and back massaged.

On the doors of rare salons where erotic massage is not offered, there is a special note saying “no sex.” Sketchy women (half of whom are cross-dressing men) sit outside all the others and literally grab your hand to drag you in for a massage.

That’s during the day. At night, it’s utter chaos. All the gopniks who came here to eat, drink and have sex come out on Bangla Road.

Clubs that were closed during the day open up. Their pounding music and lights can be heard from afar.

Prostitutes are brought out onto the streets. Girls stand outside every bar holding a price tag.

They stand right on the street in their nighties, dressed as maids. What a great job.

Someone is already picking up a client.

Someone is just starting. In Phuket, you can rent a whore and spend the whole day with her. This is called escorting.

Then there’s another entertainment: ping-pong shows. The essence of the show is that a naked woman comes on stage and starts pulling various objects out of her vagina, from ping-pong balls to a crystal vase. I was told, I would never go to that piece of shit.

It’s a big question whether they are women or cross-dressers. This one seems to be a woman.

This one seems to be a trans. There are plenty of transsexuals in Thailand. The sex change industry is very well developed here. It’s practically impossible to tell a man who has had the operation from an ungly chick just by looking at them.

Taking this opportunity, I want to say that I have nothing against gender identification and transgender people.

However, gender is determined by a set of chromosomes and cannot be changed by any imaginable operation. Even if a man is taught to give birth and a woman to produce sperm — while it would be a scientific achievement, even that wouldn’t change nobody’s sex.

There is a decent food court on Bangla Road, where an unmanageable crowd gathers every evening.

They serve both regular food and all sorts of nasty stuff like crocodile skewers. By the way, it tastes like chicken.

You can eat well here, the main thing is not to overeat. It’s very easy to catch a gastro infection in Phuket. And you don’t have to eat crocodiles to get it. I spent two days with an upset stomach, even though I didn’t eat anything special before that.

There’s an abundance of fruits, cocktails, and juices in Phuket.

Interestingly, Muslim women in hijab sometimes go through all of this madness. It’s a mystery how they ended up here.

In general, Phuket is an incredible mess. The only thing that can make up for it is the beach. It’s here, although a little bit dirty.

There are all kinds of activities on the beach — water skiing, kite surfing, etc.

Sometimes tsunami happens in Phuket. That’s why you can find signs on the streets that say “Temporary Shelter.” You need to run here if it suddenly starts. I imagine how a drunk crowd rushes from Bangla Road and gets washed away into the ocean.


The capital of Phuket island is Phuket Town. It’s a pretty nice place, unlike Patong.

There are plenty of pleasant details in the city.

Nice streets.

Even some interesting architecture can be found.

People don’t look like gopniks.

Pleasant cafes.

The main attraction is the hotel where was filmed “The Beach” with Leonardo DiCaprio.

You can go into the hotel lobby and see the interior.

Another iconic place is the romantic street. Everything here is in pink color.

Of course, all the girls come here for a photo session.

Overall, there are some good places on Phuket island. Just don’t go to the crappy Patong.